Dependable Erection

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Beaver Queen Pageant - Meet the Judges

Our next judge's bio has left me, literally, speechless. Meet Woody Van Pelt.
In the summer of 1969, through the waning hours of the Woodstock Music and Art Fair, two uninvited guests crashed the backstage area. Kitty Van Pelt, an exhausted, inebriated, incoherent and very pregnant young Arlo Guthrie groupie threw herself upon her idol, exclaimed, “You’re the daddy”, gave birth in his arms and disappeared into the crowd.

A confused Guthrie welcomed the young boy and named him for his father. Thus the world welcomed Woody Van Pelt. From a young age, Woody was confident that his birth would not be his last time on the grand stage. He knew it was his fate to be a rock’n’roller and thus devoted himself to the study of all things Rock. Woody took to the guitar and completed practically eight months of half-hearted lessons between the ages of six and fifteen. Uncomfortable with the whole music thing, Woody chose to focus on some of the more crucial aspects of the rock’n’roll lifestyle. He quickly became adept at the roll and toke, the stuff and puff, the pack and hack, and the wake and bake. At seventeen, while mastering the shroom and zoom, Woody experienced the true peacefulness of nature while becoming acquainted with his first wild beaver. It was an epic affair, which he seemed to enjoy more than the buck-toothed rodent. Woody continued his rock’n’roll explorations including the dip and trip, the sip and trip, the chop and blow, and the strap and shoot. However, it became increasingly clear to him that his true calling was his appreciation for nature. Woody would focus on the one area of the rock’n’roll lifestyle that gave him peace of mind: the pursuit of beaver.

Over the past twenty years, Woody has maintained both his rocking lifestyle and his chasing of beaver. He has observed, tracked, trapped, and tagged hundreds of the flat-tailed furry fellows. He does not believe in attempts to tame the bristly buggers, so practices a catch and release program. Woody was recently awarded a grant from the Ellerbe Creek Watershed Fund for his proposed pursuit and study of the Norwegian White Beaver and the Brazilian Bald Beaver. Woody Van Pelt: a true lover of beaver.

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