Dependable Erection

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Beaver Queen Pageant - Meet your judges

Second in a series

Our initial disappointment at receiving the news that Durham City Councilmember Mike Woodard would be unable to perform his duties as a judge at the Beaver Queen Pageant gave way to hope when we learned about his replacement on our celebrity panel.

Mike has always struck us as the perfect Southern gentleman, and in keeping with this he has gone above and beyond to find someone equally capable, and perhaps more exciting, to fill his shoes on Saturday night. We'll introduce you to Mr. Beaver A. Hunter in just a moment, but as we thought about Mike, we realized that we'd never seen him without a jacket and tie, even at a Durham Bulls game. It's virtually impossible to imagine him sipping at a mason jar of moonshine. So he may not have been the perfect choice for a Beaver Queen Pageant judge after all. Besides, our attorneys have advised us that Mr. Woodard may have been required to report all of his bribes to the Council's Ethics Committee, and you can imagine what a ruckus that would have caused.

But frankly, between you, me, and the fly on the wall, i suspect that a search of the genealogical records of Bladen Wilson County, North Carolina, just might reveal more connections between Messrs. Woodard and Hunter than he's prepared to admit.

So let's meet our celebrity judge, Mr. Beaver A. Hunter:

Beaver A. Hunter is known to all at the Dew Drop Inn and the Bear Grass Social and Hunt Club as B.A.

About his career, he tells us that "I get by doing as little work as I can. After Big Daddy left me all his land, I mostly just hunt."

We asked B.A. our standard quite of questions.

DE: What qualifies you to be a judge at the Beaver Queen Pageant?

BA: Just like my old friend Mike, I grew up hunting all kinds of critters in eastern NC, starting with squirrels and rabbits, moving up to ducks, then to deer. But we always enjoyed hunting beaver the best. We were always on the prowl for beaver. Didn't matter where or when. And we didn't really need hunting dogs to help us hunt beaver. So I guess the best thing that qualifies me is that I know a good beaver
when I see one.

DE: When you visit the beaver lodge behind the old K-Mart/Compare Foods, what thoughts does it evoke?

BA: A pond full of beaver right behind an old Winn-Dixie store that sells PBR? I'm happier than a pig in mud.

DE: Where did you get that fabulous outfit you're wearing to the pageant?

BA: The word "fabulous" ain't really in my vocabulary, but I'll just be wearing my usual beaver hunting clothes. Blaze orange won't make me look too much like one of those metrosexual types, will it?

DE: Just how big a bribe is it going to take to get you to vote for the candidate of my choice?

BA: Hell, I'm cheap. A fifth of Old Turkey, a big bag of pork rinds with some Texas Pete, and Merle Haggard's new CD is all it'll take.

Looking forward to visiting y'all in Durm Saturday night. My friend Mike has told me a lot about y'all. Can't wait to see how much of it is true.



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