Dependable Erection

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Beaver Queen Pageant - Meet your judges

First of a series

We're only 10 days away from the Third Annual Beaver Queen Pageant, presented in the Duke Park meadow by Beaver Lodge Local 1504. Last year's celebrity judge, Sgt. Dale Gunther of the Durham Police Department, was such a hit (and had such a good time that he could hardly contain himself), that this year the entire panel of judges consists of local celebrities. We'll be profiling them all (we hope) over the next few days.

First up is Blazer Manpurse, BFA, proprietor of the heppest blog in all of downtown Durham, BullSh@t. Blazer was kind enough to send along some previously undisclosed biographical information, and to answer a few of our questions. In his own words, here is Blazer Manpurse, BFA.

Blazer Manpurse's true background is shrouded in secrecy. After seeing his beloved parents brutally made fun of before his eyes, Manpurse dedicated himself to using sarcasm against those who would seek to take advantage of others. "Developers are a superstitious, cowardly lot," he is rumored to have said, "so my disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts. I must be a creature of the night, brown and lumpy..." And thus the 'Shatman was born.

Rarely leaving his porcelain hideout, the 'Shatcave, Manpurse now employs a vast arsenal of weapons ('Shatmobile, 'Shatphone, ad nauseum) in his quest to "talk shit to power." His primary organ, " Bullsh@t," is constantly teetering on the verge of total implosion and irrelevance.

We asked Blazer (and all of our judges) a series of questions designed to elicit those brutally honest comments that come from the inner reaches of the soul and that can usually only be accessed after a night of reading Edgar Allen Poe and drinking clandestinely imported absinthe.

DE: I'm especially curious to learn what in your background gives you that special quality a Beaver Queen Pageant judge
needs to have.

BM, BFA: As a practicing BFA, I've sketched a lot of beaver in my day. I think I know a thing or two about the subject by now. There's a certain je ne sais quoi about quality beaver, and I'm your man to sniff it out. This is a job I'm ready to lick.

DE: When you visit the beaver lodge behind the old K-Mart/Compare Foods, what thoughts does it evoke?

BM, BFA: This area would be perfect for some really kickass condos.

DE: Where did you get that fabulous outfit you're wearing to the pageant?

BM, BFA: I was born in it.

DE: And lastly, just how big a bribe is it going to take to get you to vote for the candidate of my choice?

BM, BFA: You can accomplish quite a lot with a tub of Cool Whip, a copy of "The Catcher in the Rye" and a leopard print banana hammock...

There you have it, up close and personal with Blazer Manpurse, BFA. Check in over the next 10 days to meet more of our celebrity judges and contestants, and to learn how to really get the most out of this year's pageant.



  • For this, I would gladly donate my copy of The Catcher in the Rye AND my copy of The Five-Minute Iliad (which has a digest/spoof of same. Sorry, but I'm still using my leopard-print hammock.

    By Blogger Phil, at 10:43 PM  

  • They ain't nothing clandestine about absinthe no more, dude.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:33 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home