Lemonade

I've been quiet, contemplative, and moody this week. Not only because my new neighbors have decided that allowing their dogs to bark continuously from dusk to dawn is a good way to introduce themselves to the neighborhood.

i turned 50 earlier this year, and unlike the vast majority of Americans, when my doctor said it's time for a colonoscopy, i said what the hell, and went ahead and scheduled one.

For tomorrow.

And i was doing pretty good, until i googled "colonoscopy preparation" to see what other gastroenterologists tell their patients. Mine, for instance, told me to avoid corn, beans, seeds and nuts for 5 days, in addition to aspirin and vitamin E. Then there's the 24 hour "clear liquid" diet the day before, and the dreaded Fleet phospho-soda regimen the night before, which one gastroenterologist described like this:

Many patients have a difficult time with the taste of the Phosho-soda. Suggestions include near freezing, and adding vanilla flavoring. Chewing on Dental Ice gum tends to seriously blunt the taste of the Phospho-soda. Ginger ale, or clear Welch's juices have been added to the Phospho-soda with success. As long as the additional fluid is clear, it should be okay. If you come up with other solutions, let us know!

You should expect bowel movements to start after 30 minutes and continue for up to 3 hours. (If bowel movements haven't become profuse in two hours, you can guess that you might need two MORE doses to get clean.)

At 10 PM, again add 1 1/2 ounces of Phospho-soda to 4 ounces of water and drink, followed by 3 glasses of clear fluids. By midnight, the stool fluid coming out should be light yellow, not brown. It should be lemonade-like. There should be no brown sludgy material when finished. (80% of unconstipated persons will be well cleaned with 2 sets of laxatives!)

Life handed me a pitcher of lemonade. Now what the fuck do i do?